Michelle Herbison

Okay so here is the deal…

It’s be a long while 8 months, wow, almost a whole year!

Lost has changed

I’ve been thinking for the last couple of months…a year ago today I was doing this

Events that should be happy occasions for me has less meaning, I guess that is normal

I didn’t enjoy my birthday (I never do), but this year it was quite for once - no cake, no flowers - just what I though I always wanted. I wanted my mom more than anything to call me and wish me happy birthday, sneak flowers to be threw James. But it was quite. I looked back and realized that I should have celebrated my mom on my birthday years past, after all it was a much as her day as it was mine - I didn’t have to be such a bitch

I tried to enjoy Josh’s- but I kept thinking, last year we did not celebrate B-day on the date because mom was getting out of the hospital for the weekend. She kept saying sorry for running it - a couple nights later we went out to dinner and she got really sick during the meal and went to lay down…Why did I go and be with her?  Why did we make her go out?

I did good during mother’s day - I mailed out the cards to all the other Momma - and really wanted to pick up the phone to call my mom. But it sucks when you have no momma to call. A couple days later it really hit me and I was a wreck.

I don’t know how the end of the month with be for me - I expect not to well.

Not only did I lose my mom this year, I lost a dear friend that I grown close to after the death of my mom. I looked up to her as a mom/grandmother.

I also lost a loved one, but not to death ~ I spent years not letting myself get to close and the moment I did - BAMMMM ripped out my heart threw it on the ground, stomped on it and then spit on it as he walked away. I blame him, I blame myself and I blame others - who knows who fault it really it - I know it cuts deep, a wound that won’t heal and salt is poured in to it.

So we moved to get a fresh start over, I can’t live in the shadow of being the daughter of the lady who died from cancer in Bajamar, I could not live with the drama of life around me. Josh got a chance of a lifetime to creat and work on a project here in Phoenix, I would have the oppurity to do things that I wanted to do, and James would return to American school and sports. All-in-all good things. I like to look at it as turning my back on a cold world and returning to warmth and comfort.

I am spending my days back at work (part-time), shopping, swimming, and researching family history. Perhaps one day I will be able to take some classes on culinary arts and will become a professional genaolgist for hire. Although I practice in both now, there is always room for improvement.

Yes I still suffer from depression, but I am learning to cope with it. The anxitey has pretty much left - I think that may have been due the situation I was in. I am currently off meds - I was never really on a high dose anyways and never like taking the meds but it did help clear my head.

The most important things in my life is that I have a loving family, what’s left, lol! I have a nice home, and I am able to do anything I put my mind to. If I just focus on these items I can make it.

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What defines Happiness? According to Wikipedia, it is an emotion associated with feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense joy.

When searching for an image of happiness, I found smiling faces, Blue birds, Poems, Yoga stances, Guns (yes guns…it quoted in a Beatles song “Happiness is a warm gun”.)

I was given a note from a close friend, she wrote “Happiness is always close to us, we just have to grab it & not let go, things, circumstance, situations will always change but you have to fight & keep standing.” She went on to write ”Enjoy life, Enjoy love”.

In an email, from my dear mother-in-law, she wrote the following message to her clients “We can search all over trying to find happiness; we go from person to person hoping they will give us Happiness. We move from our home and travel the world trying to find some peace and joy. The thing is no matter where we are, who we see, what we do, our happiness comes from within.”

Here are a few quotes on happiness:

“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” – Albert Schweitzer

“If only we’d stop trying to be happy we’d have a pretty good time.” – Edith Wharton

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns ( This is on my email signature.)

“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.” – George Sand

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” – HH The Dalai Lama

I cannot continue this blog without quoting the greatest book ever written, it our personal owner manual for our souls – The Bible. In Proverbs 16:20 it was written

“Whosoever trusteth in the Lord, Happy is he.”

Proverbs, perhaps has become one of my favorite things to read lately…I find myself flipping through the pages and laughing at some of the sayings…and even nodding my head in agreement, and even letting out a big “Awww”.

Why is it that we are given little messages, when we feel we are in our darkest hours…I hear voices…No I am not crazy, trust me I have been check over for craziness by two if not three doctors and they assured me I was normal. But really, where does this voice come from, who voice is it…How is it that I can hear this little voice and it whispers – go to church, find your faith…and they it seems as though everyone I talk to about random conversations mention God, in some way or another. When I went to church, the preacher stood before the congregation and spoke his sermon, and it felt like I was the only one in the room and what he had to say was just for me. It is like this image you are driving down the road, and you have a huge urge to turn right, so you think no I don’t have time to turn right or maybe another day…but then you see a road sign that say the best ice cream is ahead turn right, and yet you still tell yourself that you don’t have time,  and then again another sign,  the best place for rest is at your next right..and the pattern continues…how many times do we have to be given the signs without following them. And, man I have to say once you follow those signs it really turns out to be a good thing.

I didn’t ask my friend for advice on being happy nor did I ask my mother-in-law. Happiness has come up often in many of my conversations, lately. I have no reason why…but I am choosing to explore it more in this blog….

For all practical reason I am happy – because I have many good things in my life. First of all I have reconnected with a long lost friend, and my ultimate father – GOD. Our relationship is wonderful, because it is a personal relationship, he is there for me whenever I need to talk to him, he expects nothing from me other than my love.  For my belief in him he will award me with eternal life in heaven. And another great thing is he chose me to be his friend before I was even born…he knew the times that I would abandon him, and he forgives me for all the wrong I have ever done. In fact he gave his son’s life so that I could have eternal life with all of my loved ones. 

Second thing, is I am blessed with a wonderful family, we are committed to each other, we learn from one other. There is nothing that I wouldn’t do for Josh and James and I know the same goes for them. I share a happy marriage with my husband; we are able to communicate with each other on the best friends level. He picks me up when I am down and I support him as he needs me too as well. There are times when things are not sunshine and roses, with us, we do have harsh words with each other, but we do know when we have hurt the others feelings and we care enough about the other to fix the hurt in the best way we can. I have a wonderful son, who I created and I bore life into him. He is amazing and every day I am more amazed at him.

Third thing is I am blessed with a wonderful home and many items that bring me great happiness – most of those items are photos, and relics of my grandparents and great-grandparents.

I know that I am also blessed with the natural ability to do whatever I want to do, as long as I put my mind to it.  I have found that this works when it comes to getting a job I want, to picking up a golf club.

Every day, I am learning to love me more…and with that brings much happiness. When I look in the mirror I find more that I like about me. I put a lot of blame on myself for the faults of others around me. Constantly blaming myself for things that happened to me that I had no control over and once I learned to forgive those people (I mean really forgive them), and when I did it is easier to stand up a little straighter, it is easier to look people in the eyes, even a little bit easier to trust people.

So what I can say for me is you won’t often find a smile on my face, but that smile is in my heart where it needs to be. You won’t find the blue birds of happiness flying around my head, but you will find them in my heart fluttering around.  I won’t be spouting poems, and quotes in Yoga stances to show you my happiness, but all those things are done in my heart where they need to be.  And no matter how tempting it would be to be gone from this world, I will never look to a warm guns, drugs, drinks or sex for happiness.  I am choosing to be selfish with my happiness; I am sharing it with no one… nor do I need to show it off to anyone. I am also choosing not to be the spider web- I will not catch all the blame for things going wrong it other’s life. I cannot take the abuse anymore, I will not allow it, I am not a human punching bag, and I’ve had enough verbal abuse in my life.  God will grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change; courage to change the things that I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

So if you are lost and looking for your happiness, know that it is right there in you. You don’t have to look for it in food, drugs, or sex – whatever your addition maybe. It is in you – if you have trouble finding it, run to your nearest faith center, and your god will send you the message you need to help you find the happiness in front of you too.

Inform, Prevent and Support.
Family and Friends:
I created a Tribute Page to my mom, where you can donate to the Colon Cancer Alliance. I ask that you please visit the site for more information on the world’s third most common cancer, make yourself aware of the cancer, learn how to prevent it and cure it. You may leave your comments for my mom page if you wish and there is also a link to donate to the cause. The most important thing is to inform yourself and if you are 50 years of age or older please get yourself screened for a birthday present.

Cindy’s Blue Star Tribute

Thanks,
Michelle Herbison

I am looking for my mother, has anyone seen her?
It’s been an while, I am not sure where she went.
Sometimes I think I hear her call my name, “Chell” she whispers…
Sometimes I think I see her in the mirror…but it is just me.
Sometimes I think I feel her in the wind…she wraps her arms around me.
My heart aches for her, I just want to rest my head on her shoulders,
I just want her love, her support, her advice.
I rather be dead, than to feel these horrible feeling of lost and loneness.
Sometimes it is hard to breath, to swallow…to love.

So we are blog again….I know it’s been a while and you are bored of reading the same old blogs, I am sure you are enjoying the photo shows but still you wonder “ What is going on with Chell?”
Where do I begin, I often ask myself should I pitch my life to a reality show, I think people would not believe our day to day life…or maybe they would. Any who I bet we would get really good rating…beside and I am so bored with TV Right now…I feel like all that is one is reruns and the Olympics… some of my favorite shows like Big Brother I am just not as into as normal…but all I have been doing is watching TV so I guess I need a new hobby….I have worked on my jewelry in a while ….there is ideal!
So the last time I wrote a blog it was about me looking at myself becoming a woman, and while I have to stay in all fairness, I step backwards and became something of a brat, really worse than a pre-teen. But I am dealing with that and have said I am sorry to the ones that I hurt and I am taking the steps to become the woman that I should have been, and will be.
So for other news I’ve been taking a very low dose of Ta-fil for anxiety, and I feel it is helping to balance the scale, I am not taking so much that I am zombie-like but it just makes me feel normal. I would recommend it to anyone after talking to their doctor first. As far as my other health issue…my blood pressure is staying in a good range. I am losing weight again which is good. I am just down to having to conquer my fear of having testing down for the other health issue that I am having, those being preventive screening for Colon cancer since, my mother had it and so has my father side of the family. I also was encouraged to have an ultrasound on my ovaries for Cysts…I know too much information but maybe if I type it out I will be taking a step to conquer the fear.
I also purchased a work book for Daughters who have lost their mothers. And I joined an online support group for motherless daughter, I haven’t become overly active as posting but I did let them know my story and have been reading other stories so it helps in its way too.
I took my first trip to Disneyland = I have mix feeling on the whole thing…I love going and had a lot of fun with the company…I know James had a blast. I felt as those I went from one line to another line, and I was bum out when 3 of the rides did not work. But I really enjoyed the day, I think I want to go again later with Josh, and stay for a couple of days, I would like to look at more of the small things that are trivial and you would never notice. I admit you can get caught up in all the magic of the Land, no matter your age, you just have to be willing to let yourself go…
Soooo….kiddies that is my lesson this blog is LET YOURSELF GO…just be willing to let things come to you. Sometimes we need to jump off a cliff without looking below ( Please don’t go Jumping off of things in real life I am saying this metaphorically) . So love with out holding back, Live with out fear, and jump! I think I will try this.

We had such a wonderful dinner tonight…I just love taking photos of this resturant….I hope you all enjoy!

Make a Smilebox photobook

I am finding out that everything I thought about myself is not true. It’s not that I’ve lied to myself, it’s is that myself image has changed in a positive way.

I heard a song on the radio the other day, it not a new song and it is one that I sung and liked for many years, for the first time I felt the words. The song was Girl, you’ll be a woman soon, by Neil Diamond. While it is a love song from a man to a woman the lyrics hit me and made me realize that I am now a woman. All of my life I have seen myself as a child, or a young geeky and perhaps an awkward girl who just tries to hold it all together with Band Aides, Duck Tape and a tiny piece of bubble gum. I’ve always looked to other for support. I’ve tried a thousand times to become that well polished woman – but I failed and only found myself becoming more childish in the progress, or feeling myself still feeling like I was playing dress up.

With a little help from my friends, I’ve come to realized that I am a woman and I should be proud of myself. I’ve seen that not always am I the one who leans on other for support, a lot of those people look to me for support. I’ve learned that I don’t have to hear the words “I’m proud of you” to know that, that person is proud of you, sometimes you can just look at their smile in a photograph of you two together.  I am so honored to be my mom’s daughter, she was given only one chance at being a mother, but she mothered everyone she knew.

I wrote this down 2 days ago, because I wanted to post it to my blog, I had these thoughts and wanted to keep them. The very next day, I was talking to someone I haven’t seen in a while, and in fact when I found out that my mom had cancer, he told me what to expect and encouraged me as to how to handle things. It was of great comfort to me to have him tell me these things. Anyways, we were talking about all kinds of things and he brings up the conversation that he heard on TV, Telly Savalas, had said that it wasn’t until after the death of his parents did he feel like he was an adult. I told the person that I was talking to that must be the stage that I am in because I too finally felt that.

Funny how things have a way of coming full circle.