Michelle Herbison

We had such a wonderful dinner tonight…I just love taking photos of this resturant….I hope you all enjoy!

Make a Smilebox photobook

I am finding out that everything I thought about myself is not true. It’s not that I’ve lied to myself, it’s is that myself image has changed in a positive way.

I heard a song on the radio the other day, it not a new song and it is one that I sung and liked for many years, for the first time I felt the words. The song was Girl, you’ll be a woman soon, by Neil Diamond. While it is a love song from a man to a woman the lyrics hit me and made me realize that I am now a woman. All of my life I have seen myself as a child, or a young geeky and perhaps an awkward girl who just tries to hold it all together with Band Aides, Duck Tape and a tiny piece of bubble gum. I’ve always looked to other for support. I’ve tried a thousand times to become that well polished woman – but I failed and only found myself becoming more childish in the progress, or feeling myself still feeling like I was playing dress up.

With a little help from my friends, I’ve come to realized that I am a woman and I should be proud of myself. I’ve seen that not always am I the one who leans on other for support, a lot of those people look to me for support. I’ve learned that I don’t have to hear the words “I’m proud of you” to know that, that person is proud of you, sometimes you can just look at their smile in a photograph of you two together.  I am so honored to be my mom’s daughter, she was given only one chance at being a mother, but she mothered everyone she knew.

I wrote this down 2 days ago, because I wanted to post it to my blog, I had these thoughts and wanted to keep them. The very next day, I was talking to someone I haven’t seen in a while, and in fact when I found out that my mom had cancer, he told me what to expect and encouraged me as to how to handle things. It was of great comfort to me to have him tell me these things. Anyways, we were talking about all kinds of things and he brings up the conversation that he heard on TV, Telly Savalas, had said that it wasn’t until after the death of his parents did he feel like he was an adult. I told the person that I was talking to that must be the stage that I am in because I too finally felt that.

Funny how things have a way of coming full circle.

I Believe a birth certificate shows that we were born; a death certificate show that we died; picture show that we lived!

Have a Seat relax and read this slowly…..

I belive that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other, And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I believe that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe that true friendship contunues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe that it’s takine me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe that you should always leave loved ones with words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe that you can keep going long after you think you can’t.

I believe that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it
needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re
down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe - That sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but
that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I believe - That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences
you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many
birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I believe - Tha t it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes
you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t
stop for your grief.

I believe - That our background and circumstances may have influenced who
we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe - Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something
totally different.

I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people
who don’t even know you.

I believe - That even when you think you have no more to give, when a
friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human
being.

I believe - That the people you care about most in life are taken from you
too soon.

I believe - That you should send this to all of the people that you believe
in. I just did. The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of
everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

Wow, if you would have asked me 1 month ago if I thought my mother was going to die I would have told you “Yes, I am sure she will die in 20 – 40 more years.” I never thought she would not make it to see, James go on his first date or be at his High School graduation. But that is the funny thing about life, you never really know what tomorrow brings, you always make the mistake of complaining about the small stuff in life and never enjoy all the big ticket items that life offers. But that is lesson learned from cancer, lesson that is meant to be for the family of the person who has cancer…and sometimes for the patient themselves.

I gave the eulogy speech at my mother’s funeral. Everyone was amazed how well I made it through talking about my mother, without tearing up. I found it very calming, and as easy as holding a conversation with Josh. My speech when kind of like this some parts I did leave out but this is what I intended to say….

“Thank you all for coming to my mother’s funeral today, it means so much to see all of our friends…who are really like family to us all. In my time of sorrow I find that a quote eases some of my grief. At it is Death leaves us with a heartache no one can heal, but love leaves us memories that no one can steal.  These memories are what I want to share with you all today. My mom was very special to all of us and in many ways she touched us, and mothered us all.

My mom was born in 1957, to her parents she was 3 child born of 5 children..and the only girl. Her childhood had many hardships that prepared her for her adult life. At the age of 5 she lost her brother, and shortly after that her parents were divorced. Growing up under her father’s roof as the only girl in the house was difficult; I believe that this is when she became the mother hen. Her father remarried and she gained yet another brother…but the biggest gain was her step-mother…who was more of a mom to her than her real mother.  It was through her step-mom that she learned how to pinch a penny, be honest and never tell lies, and to live as the bible tells us to. But as time when on and peer pressure built up, dreams of becoming a nurse were thrown out the window and love took a hold of her, she could not fight the urge to become a wife and mother.

After graduating from high school she was quickly married and began setting up home, but strains of being married at a young age to a Seaman would dissolve the marriage. But yet though her friends she met a dark hair man that resembled Eddie Rabbit, and love stole her away she was married and set-up home again. With her marriage she gained two step-children and she wanted to be the stepmother that her mother had been, she loved the children very much, and enjoyed many actives with them. Shortly after this union I was born and my mother was on cloud nine…there was nothing she enjoyed more than Mothering someone. But for many reasons this marriage was strained and it dissolved. It was just me and my mother for many years, fighting the foes of the world on our own… my mom worked very hard to provide me with a roof over my head and food in my belly…but she often worked overtime just to get me the new Barbie or doll that I wanted. I never did with out nor did I know that we were poor…however the was one time that I spent the week with my grandmother and when I returned home to look into our refrigerator I thought we were rob, but my mom told me that she had only cleaned out the fridge. After some time a family friend entered my mom’s life, he had never been married before nor did he have any children. He had enjoyed playing with me when I was a baby and always thought a lot of my mom. They were married and I gained a step-dad, a lot was learned from this marriage but it too did not have lasting power. But after this marriage it was a little different mom found herself on her own, I had already met Josh and we had begun our lives together.

I remember at Christmas time she was feeling lonely so I taught her how to get on the chat rooms and talk to people, the next week she told me she had met someone and would leave to met them. Josh and I thought she was crazy, Didn’t she watch the news, dateline come on, there were ladies that were killed meeting men online…but who was I to tell her how to live she was an adult.

After meeting Alan she was in-love yet again and they headed off on this 6 week journey across the US. They figured if they could make it that long together in a car then they could have a relationship…as they traveled, they discussed marriage and she didn’t not feel the need to get married but things soon changed as they entered the town of Las Vegas. It became the cool thing to do, and they did it at a drive through chapel.

James was born after their marriage and it gave mom and Alan another chapter in their lives together, most couples have children, but they had grandchildren. Mom loved having James around her 24 hours a day…it pleased her to have a free baby….I recall once she had given James a package of Oreo Cookies and the kitchen we had at the time was all white, everywhere you looked there were hand prints of chocolate even foot prints. She loved it and laughed so hard at him…and then told me to clean the mess up my son had made. It was during these times that I learned how much Alan loved my mom, her brought out the best in her and gave her a wonderful life, she traveled anywhere she wanted to go, she had the home of her dreams, she had enough money in the bank to buy what she wanted to, when she wanted to …but she would rather buy something for you than buy something for herself.

Mom was special to us all, she taught us to enjoy life, live every moment.  When we gather at a funeral most people consider it a time to say good bye, but I don’t believe in saying good bye. While Good bye  comes from an old English Benediction meaning God Be With you, and it isa good word. I would rather use the words, See you Later…because when our day come we will all meet in Heaven.  It is important to remember that we are living and we have to continue to live our lives, enjoy and love your loved ones and be sure to tell them how special they are today and every day of your life.

I would like to play a song, that one of my fellow high school graduates wrote and the name of the song is “She Go on You”, It is a song that we should all really listen to. It tells about a Father and how he should love his little girl, because one day she will grow up, it tells the husband to love his wife, because if he doesn’t she’ll go, it tells the son to love his mother, because one day she will go.”

After my speech, we had a preacher read The Lord’s Prayer, and he delivered a great message. I then asked if anyone would like to say a few words our dear friends George M and Patrick S, spoke with raw emotions about my mom.  We took a few moments to play more music and gather ourselves to go to the cemetery. It was a long journey. It was peace and private. I watched as they lowered the casket, thinking to myself this should be so hard, but I was at peace.  I even threw in the first handful of dirt, it was the closure, I had made all the plans, ordered the flowers picketed the casket, laid our her close….I was there when she took her last breath, right after I told her that I promised to take care of everyone, and I loved her, I told her to go ahead and go, I would see her later. I was scared to death to lose her but I had to tell her to go, because I felt she would continue to stay here and fight, and that would be selfish.

I have had good days and bad Days, every emotion I thought I would feel, has been the complete opposite. I some times have an overwhelming guilt that I didn’t bring her something that she asked for while she was sick, I feel bad for having spats with her….I really feel guilty for blogging that I could shut her out of my life… Boy did my words come back to haunt me…I have thought about deleting that blog but then it is my reminder to learn from that “Never say something you don’t mean”. I think about all the crap that my mom had to put up with when she should have enjoyed her life. I get so angry, that certain people never saw my mom for who she really was, and how they never wanted her in their life…and they are missing out…I am mad because now they will get what they wanted, she will never call them, email them, send them a gift for a just because or a special event….but I will do something that my mother wanted to do but could never do and that is to forgive them and move on with life. I believe that they will see everything in a new light and I hope that see how special she was to Alan. I hope that they to can forgive and learn that life is short.

Cancer has taught me how to live, it is a long road with many hills to overcome but I hope to have many great stops along the way, I know that I have great friends to help me travel my road.

So this is my blog, I am not sure how to close it or what else to say… but love yourself and love your friends and family, value every second of your life  and your loved ones life.

Well, as many of the readers know on March 18^th my mom went to the Doctor’s office with complaints of a stomach ache and pain in her lower back (Kidney Area), and after many test and being admitted to the Excel hospital she underwent a surgery to try to remove tumors from her Liver, Intestations and Colon. After 34 days in the hospital she was released to go home and relax before treatment for the cancer.

Today is D-day, back to the hospital for treatments not commonly used in the US. I found my self not wanting to get out of bed this morning, not from lack of sleep, but from just wanting more time not at the hospital , not wanting to face this. But I had to, finally I kicked off the covers and watched James and Josh leave for school and work.

After going over to mom’s I gave her the med’s and covered her wound and we headed to Playas de Tijauana, for our up close look at Oasis Medical Center. It is about a 45 minute drive from our home in Bajamar, Ensenada Mexico. I was a little worried at first nobody knew who we were, and of course we didn’t know anyone. But the staff was helpful and right away other patients were greeting us.

We went up to the room and it is a nice room, there is a lazy boy, table, folding chair, Her bed, the double bed a private bathroom, cable tv. Nurses and Doctors came in and they are friendly. Before we knew it was time for lunch, Alan left to go home after eating. Mom is starting her treatment by taking vitamins and Minerals, she takes a bunch of pills 4 times a day. Once her wound heals then she can start the Chemo.

Tomorrow we will undergo a Ct scan to see her progress over the last month. So well see

As you know mom, got out of the hostiptal on your birthday, so making your birthday a big day was not possible….but I did want it to be special so we made plans to have dinner at Calafia Hotel in Rosarito, Mexico for you!

I hope you enjoyed your special night!

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Today was the first day in over a month that I took a breath…It seemed kind of odd when I realized but I will explain… or at least try to.

I was driving home from the hospital, and I flipping the radio stations, as I always do…when a song caught my ears. It was the smooth rhythm of guitar strings with a slow pounding of the drums followed by the words, “I’ll never be your beast of Burden” and of course I am grooving to it dancing in the car seat and I am singing along…I really can only imagine that the other cars are thinking “Good god, there goes the craziest person I have ever seen!” But anyways there are a couple of lines that really got me thinking and there were:

Yeah, All your sickness
I can suck it up
Throw it all at me
I can shrug it off….

And then back to the Corus of:

Am I rough enough
Am I tough enough
Am I rich enough
I’m not too blind to see….

Funny how words to a song can make your life pass before your eyes…I saw everything that has happened in the last month and I let out my exhale. Ever since the 18^th of March, I have been holding my breath. I received the call from Josh..they admitted your mom to the hospital they don’t know what is wrong but they are keeping her there until she is well. I think at this point is when I stood still and held my breath. I had so much to get through and didn’t know if I could make it though the day. With in today of her being admitted to the hospital she was in surgery to remove growths from her stomach areas , and the Big C word was coming from all the doctors mouths…

We arrived at the hospital at 9:30 am they had taken her to surgery at 8:00am, it was well past 3 pm before we knew anything…I kept going down to the recovery to see if they could tell us anything but nothing…Finally Dr. Lupita called us and said they were done and in an hour we could see her…she called back in just 5 minutes to tell Alan that my mom was calling for him. So he was able to go in. The doctors came out to tell us that it did not looking good. There was a tumor on the head of her panaceas, they took a biopsy to find out if it was cancer (thank god it wasn’t), the Doctor felt for sure it was. They removed part of her Colon which came back to be positive as cancer, they also noticed that she has spots of growth on her Liver. I remember the doctor telling me that he was “Sorry”, and it crushed me. I couldn’t take it! I went through all the emotions, I was angry with god, mad at the world, I was sad, I was calm, and then it would start all over. When Josh arrived, I told him what the doctors said and as each word came out, if felt as though I had knives in my throat.

As the days when by they struggled to get her stomach working, which is common…at this point we had no ideals about the cancer, we though we were dealing with cancer of the panaceas, and that we should say our good byes. Finally the 1^st results were back it was not cancer on her panaceas, the panaceas was just throwing a fit from all the other organs struggling to fight this cancer. So it turned out that she had cancer of the Colon that has spread to the liver. To get her stomach working the performed a second surgery to check things out and to remove blockage from her stomach, what they found as they got in there was her intestines had fused together and they started from the top and went to the bottom repairing all the defects.

This was supposed help her speed up the recovery and she would be home in just a few day…that turned to weeks…and still no movement from the stomach. So now we are losing time to fight the damn cancer, and her spirit is dropping…I felt that she was giving up…how were we ever going to make it, if she is giving up now?  Alan demanded that they let her come home for the weekend, it couldn’t hurt her. The doctors did not want to agree but they said it was worth a try.

So she got to come home Friday afternoon to return on Monday, In ways it was good for her, good for us and in some ways it was bad for her. On Monday I was sure that she didn’t want to get better, and that scared me…On Tuesday, I went to the hospital by myself, Alan stayed at Home and Josh and James stayed in Rosarito. All 5 of her doctors came in and began talking among themselves…I knew they were going to have a meeting about everything going on but I didn’t know that they were about to clean her wound. They undid the stitches in her stomach that are just below her breast and all the way down to her belly button. She was in so much pain and it really bothered me because they promised her pain meds but didn’t rush about getting it to her. Lupita came over and told me to shut my eyes that it was gross…but I didn’t bother me one bit…after all I wanted to be a doctor all of my life….in high school I had to dissect a dead cat, I was the only one in my group that would do it…Blood and gore did not bother me, I just could not stand to see my mom in pain… it was all over in about 15 minutes and they told us that they would check the wound and maybe in a few days they would move the drainage tube to her stomach and out of her nose.

The next day came and went, we hit two good milestone  she had quit draining so much and she had a pretty big stool. When I left the hospital they were going to clamp her drainage tube to see if she could stand it and would not throw up… Pretty good day…but nothing compared to what happened today…

I walked into the room and there was doctor there looking over here, not any of her doctors just the one on call, and I was worried. I said good morning and set my bags down, as I turned to look at her I saw a plate of Jello and a cup of Tea….and thought what is that doing here? Then I looked at her and she was different, the green drainage tube was gone.  The doctors are super happy with this recovery….we hope that she will be eating normal food by Saturday, and on Sunday or Monday she will get to come home with out tubes and pipes coming from her and with out a nurse. We will check in to the cancer treatment place on Friday, and the real fight of our lives will begin. I hope to right more about it each day….but I don’t get time to sit at the computer much, anymore.

I think about how much my life has changed in the last few months.

There were times when I felt the closeness of family, Alan and I were close…I witness the love he shares with mom. There were times when it was the biggest comfort to fall in to the arms of Josh, there were little hugs and kisses from James that centered me. There were times when me and mom talked like friends and not like mother and daughter.

There were dark time, wondering if Alan was pushing to hard, wondering if mom was willing to fight, times when I didn’t feel Josh’s support, times when James’ smile disappeared.

The warm-well wishes from friends were always uplifting, and having to face people in life with small problems seemed to infuriate me to the point where I was so made.

There were drives home when I felt on top of the world and there were drives home with tears.

I can’t believe I made it through the play, I can’t believe the support and love I received from total strangers as we acted on stage that we lost someone that was an angel in real life.

Wow…I don’t know how to end this because it is not the end…so we will end it with WoW.

Enjoy the Show!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

I wanted to share with my loved one my discovery of the way of the Buddha.  For the most part my loved ones are Christian and before they begin to think that I am abandoning my beliefs in God, I just want to say, that I am not. I believe in God and will live as Buddha, believe and seeing the good in life.

I found a site on Quotes of the Buddha….Some of them fit in my life, as I lived it before, some of them I needed to hear.

I found these on http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/b/buddha.html Enjoy!

Ø  A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.

Ø  All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.

Ø  All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.

Ø  All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else.

Ø  An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.

Ø  Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.

Ø  Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Ø  Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind.Ø  Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.

Ø  Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.

Ø  Have compassion for all beings, rich and poor alike; each has their suffering. Some suffer too much, others too little.

Ø  Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.

Ø  Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Ø  However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?

Ø  Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.

Ø  No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.

Ø  On life’s journey faith is nourishment, virtuous deeds are a shelter, wisdom is the light by day and right mindfulness is the protection by night. If a man lives a pure life, nothing can destroy him.

Ø  The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.

Ø  The tongue like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood.

Ø  The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed.

Ø  Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.

Ø  To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.

Ø  To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.

Ø  To keep the body in good health is a duty… otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.

Ø  You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.

Ø  You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.